Lines of code have split open, algorithms have aligned and Valve has seen fit for gamers everywhere to wallow in the release that is Portal 2, which arrived just this week. Promising to be four times longer than what we were all entreated to previously, the original Portal definitely seemed to be the bait to hook the entire gaming community into falling in love with cubes, sentry guns, portals and yes, maybe even GlaDOS. But while the delineation between test chambers and more real-life situations was proffered only so much previously, we can all only hope that what we get will be an unforgettable experience that will have many running around talking about how the ‘cake is a lie’ for another three years post-release. In the meantime though, for everything that contemptible contraption GlaDOS will be throwing at you, there are always other uses for a portal gun and as always, it never hurts to wonder.
10. Practical Jokes: So you’ve got a friend who likes to sleep in during the summer, snoring away when everyone else has been up for hours living their lives. Well, there’s a solution to that. First, place a portal on the floor next to their bed. Then, immediately jump in your car and drive to the nearest beach that may or may not be a minimum of four hours away via car, or for those who don’t have one nearby, the nearest beach-like environment that may be equal distance, and place a second portal. Next, step through the portal, position yourself behind your friend and push him so he rolls off the bed. Finally, fire the second portal so your friend is trapped into a day in the sun. Before you know it, they’ll be forced to spend a day outside, which should properly motivate them to never ever sleep well into the afternoon ever again. Bonus points if you bring a third friend in to film everything and post it to Youtube.
9. Shopping: For a guy, I don’t particularly mind going to the mall with my girlfriend. If for no other reason, I get out of the house for a few hours and simmer in my rage at the people who walk too slow in front of me and the screaming, crying children whose parents refuse to fulfill the obligation they signed on for when spawning the crotch-fruit. But if there is one thing I despise about shopping, it’s parking. Any single mall on the face of the Earth seems to be mobbed between the hours of 8am Friday through 7pm Sunday, depending on your location, which will usually end up causing you to wander about a lot looking for a place to stuff your car almost equally as long as you’ll end up shopping in some cases. It’s really enough to make even the most mild-mannered person go completely off the chain. But not with a portal gun - simply drive by the mall and fire a portal before stopping at home to drop your car off. Then, put a portal on the pavement near your car or even in your home and step on through. You get the joy of spending money without the fuss of the road rage-inducing ballet of parking.
8. Getting to Work: No one likes the morning commute. If you drive, the odds of getting stuck in traffic are pretty good against you and no one likes to sit in a car just to stare at the people trapped in the same circumstances as you solely because you chose to left the house at relatively the same time. The train is no better, leaving you feeling like a sardine packed into a can voluntarily every morning with people whose social skills are just slightly higher that the orangutans at the zoo – complete with the bodily odor and eating habits. So, what to do? Shower before bed each night and go to be wearing your best business casual apparel, complete with the polo or tie-donned button-up. Then, before you doze off, fire a portal on the floor next to your bed. It should open since you remembered to leave one in your cubicle, right? Then, when the alarm goes off, just roll out of bed, turn on your computer and start looking productive. With you being that early for work, you’ll be on top of your company before you know it.
This feature list continues on the next page, please click Page 2 below to see the next couple choices for top 10 alternative uses for portals.
