Film adaptations of video games suck. Video game versions of films suck, with one or two exceptions. The debate over which cross-over media is worse could rage for years. I firmly believe that of the two tie-in games are far, far worse. Film adaptations have the fringe benefit of the eternal B movie status, where they can be so poorly done as to be good for a laugh. Bad video games however are mechanically poor and fight you the whole way, with generally poor production values. That being said, here are some games that I’m thankful never got this marketing blitz treatment; the Top 10 Movies that Would Make Horrible Games.
10) Super Mario Bros: Sure, in some ways it doesn’t belong on this list, because it was a film version of the classic games, but it was so wildly different as to be almost unrecognizable. With the exception of a couple things, namely the Bullet Bills used to power super-jump boots and Bob-ombs, there wasn’t really anything that even looked like the games. Change the names of the characters and you’d have been left with just a bad film that nobody would have associated with video games. That being said, we could have seen some sort of horrible side-scrolling platform shooter that by its exponential level of crappiness would have ripped open a hole in the very fabric of reality and doomed us all.
9) Hostel: I’ve been a big fan of horror films all my life, but even I was disgusted by the concept of a sub-genre that was dubbed ‘torture porn’. Any good horror writer knows that there’s nothing more frightening than the visuals you concoct in your own imagination (with the exception of the ‘Alien’ creature, but take a look at HR Giger’s artwork and try to tell me his head wouldn’t be a terrifying place to inhabit). It’s hard to say which side of the hypothetical game would be worse: the part where you torture and kill unsuspecting tourists or the part where you try and free yourself while being slashed, burned and electrocuted. Not to mention the incredible backlash this game would have garnered from mothers and politicians concerned about the potential effects of a game nobody would ever play.
8) Gladiator: This classic might have been a riveting film full of tense action sequences, but where it really shone was the story going on behind it and the performances of the actors, Joaquim Pheonix in particular. Trying to include any of that without simply resorting to inserting cutscenes taken straight from the film would have cut the impact of the plot to a negligible level, especially since many would have hammered on every button til the scene was skipped in favor of getting to the action bits. I love gladiatorial games, any title that has an arena combat section is sheer joy, but you’d be much better off making your own game than trying to adapt this cinematic gem.
This feature top 10 list continues on the next page, please click below to reveal the next couple movies that would make horrible video games.
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