Every year, there is a day that reminds us all of the people we cherish, love, in some cases tolerate and hopefully can call our Player 2. This week ends with Valentine’s Day and for those of us who have someone to share the day with, it’s a very special day to reaffirm the small commitments. For everyone else though, it’s Sunday. In the meantime, there is always going to be at least one character in a game that the average gamer is going to garner a small crush on. Sure, they’re digital, but they are so very pretty. Whether or not they inhabit our daydreams or merely give us something to dream about at night, it can’t be denied that each and every gamer has at least one they wish would be their Valentine. Our top 10 choices for virtual adulteress are below:
10. GlaDOS – Portal: Sure, she may constantly test you and the directions to dinner may lead you on a wild goose chase of puzzles, but don’t mess with her or she’ll try to kill you and then play it off. For the people who can actually handle a woman of her caliber, you may want to demonstrate a significant amount of logic before giving her the box of candy and flowers. Well, in all fairness, if you know the programming language capable of giving her the feeling of getting the candy and flowers, all the better. After all, she can’t possibly be a difficult woman to please as long as you can pass any of the challenges she puts in your path and you may get some cake out of it. That is, if you play your cards right. But if you go to pick her up for a date and notice that the only way to gain access is with a Portal Gun…she’s probably giving you a hint.
Likes: Cake, Neurotoxins, C+
Dislikes: Heartbreak, Black Mesa
9. Big Sister – Bioshock 2: So, she may not be dressed for it, but if there is any woman who knows how to have a good time, its Big Sister. The first thing you’ll notice is that she loves the water and you would certainly do well to cater to that in the hope of garnering an in with her. She likes fishing, swimming and long walks on the bottom of the ocean. On the first date, you’ll want to show up with a bouquet of seaweed and coral or if you can swing it, a seahorse (or preferably a sea slug) in fish bowl as this’ll surely win you tons of points. When leaning forward to stare at her, be careful not to linger too long lest her vision go red, in which case you can try and run as fast as you, however she also enjoys a fair amount of cardio and will doubtlessly chase you the hell down. But if she leaves you breathing, it only means she likes you. You may want to hold off on introducing her to your parents for a little while as she wears her daddy issues on her sleeve. But on the plus side, she has a natural affinity for children, though if she’s babysitting it is best to be weary, she takes her job very seriously.
Likes: Little Sisters, Aerobics, Guys named Adam, Seafood
Dislikes: Big Daddies, Finger foods, Splicers
8. Xenomorphic ‘Alien’ Queen – Alien vs. Predator: If there is anything a queen wants, it’s a king. Who better than someone willing to help spawn an entire race of creatures that are capable of destroying their Predator and Colonial Marine enemies? Sure, she’ll be standing a bit taller than you and you may not want to look too deeply for where her eyes should be, but she’s an excellent mother figure for her family and race. While the idea of being tied down may not appeal to anyone – Marine, Predator or Alien – this is definitely a woman who is looking for someone to take care of her and her massive family. If this is the woman for you, buckle up and prepare for a ride. One final note, Alien kings have rarely been observed, so after mating that first time a trial separation just might be in order. Either that or just run like hell as in this case, it’s okay to leave her a bit jilted.
Likes: Childbearing, Babysitting
Dislikes: Predators, Power Loaders and Ellen Ripley
7. Lilith – Borderlands: For the more adventurous, I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to give a woman like Lilith a go. Sure, we can all hope for the one-in-a-million, well what about dating a woman who is one in thirteen? Endowed with unique abilities, Lilith is capable of pulling off magic tricks that will surely blow your mind a lot more than pulling a quarter from behind your ear. Unable to explain her abilities anymore than her self-described, “Hotness Threshold”, going on to say, “Any woman as good looking as me can do what I do,” But if you want to be with her, you better be ready for an adventure at any minute. One of the few side effects her magical ability is a desire to always be on the go, looking for the next escapade on the horizon. While this may be a turn off for many, it surely is difficult when you’re a sucker for a pretty face. I’m sure many hearts have been and will continue to be broken by potential Valentine’s for the fiery Siren.
Likes: Being hot, Adventures, Phasewalking
Dislikes: Knitting, Sudoku,
6. Juno Eclipse – Star Wars: The Force Unleashed: Guys will always have a thing for the girl who drives her car faster, rides her motorcycle harder or flies her starfighter better than the other girls. Juno Eclipse is that girl. Not only is she accustomed to dealing with the caliber of douchebag you’re likely to encounter in the Imperial Armed Forces, she isn’t afraid to hang with the boys. She can dismantle and rebuild an engine, calculate a hyperspace jump and provide the detail information you need to make it through any event, be it a secret mission of assassination or a trip to the club. What she lacks in ruthlessness, she easily makes up for in her inherent desire to play caretaker to emotionally scarred Jedi. And remember, if worse comes to worse, you can always keep in mind that she isn’t the type of girl to kiss and tell, but given her skill in the cockpit of a fighter, I wouldn’t risk pissing her off.
Likes: Starfighters, Politics, Jedi
Dislikes: Losing people she just fell in love with, abandonment, The Empire
5. Crimson Viper – Street Fighter IV: If ever there was a girl who was feisty, this is the one. She is knowledgeable about the intelligence community, politics, knows how to fight and wears a suit that easily accentuates her lovely physical assets. While she is a beautiful woman, don’t underestimate her as she is trained to be an assassin and she isn’t afraid to use those skills. But at the end of the day, what it sometimes boils down to in any relationship is simple that I don’t care if she can kick my ass, she’s hot.
Likes: Tom Clancy, Stephen Colbert, Money
Dislikes: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Overtime,
4. Veronica Dare – Halo 3: ODST: Sometimes, it’s comforting to know that your significant other is not only capable of dropping from low orbit but able to handle herself in a firefight. That’s Veronica Dare. When she isn’t sneaking behind enemy lines to retrieve information or trying to save humanity from extinction, she enjoys a good amount of poetry. Additionally, her sense of duty and commitment to the mission at hand places her head and shoulders above the rest as an exceptional potential mother. Science fiction buffs take note, she does share a striking resemblance to someone you may or may not have seen on Battlestar Galactica and would all be more than flattered to hear you talk about it. So, if nothing else, you have one good line to fall back on, use it well. She does enjoy dancing and knows how to make an entrance just about anywhere. Finally, she’ll constantly keep you wondering how a woman like her can exist as she seemingly fell out of the sky in more ways than one.
Likes: Skydiving, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Firing Ranges, Firefly/Serenity
Dislikes: Brutes, Bugs, Running out of ammo,
3. Harley Quinn – Batman: Arkham Asylum: She has a thing for the eccentric and she’s a little unbalanced herself, but then again, nobody’s perfect, right? After all, some of the best girls to date are the ones that have a bit of outlandish flair, which easily set them apart from their peers. Her interests include psychology, so you know she’ll be interesting to talk to at the very least. On top of it, she has a marvelous sense of humor and a genuine appreciation of a wide array of practical jokes, so every single day can feel like April fool’s Day. Her voice is an octave or so higher than many would prefer, but she is eager to please and has the acrobatic abilities to show just about anyone that she means business. She is currently enjoying a stay in the hospital and is in a somewhat committed relationship, but he’s currently incarcerated, so what’s there to fear?
Likes: Explosives, Psychotherapy, Gymnastics, The Joker,
Dislikes: Bats, People who can’t take a joke
2. Jack (Subject Zero) – Mass Effect 2: Much like Ms. Quinn, at first glance you get the feeling that the lights are on and there is a lunatic hiding in the shower, but if you’re willing to be the nice guy she’s looking for, you just might discover some substance between a deeply damaged surface. Being harshly abused as a child, it is easy to see why she is the way she is. From her look and attitude, all the way up to her destructively ass kicking powers, it is all a result of experiments designed to make her the most powerful biotic possible. Spending a good deal of her time isolated and subsequently on the run has made her put up a strong front. She’s killed entire gangs and joined a cult, so there is little doubt that she’s led a colorful existence. But without a doubt, she’s looking for a nicer guy and much like every other woman on this list; she definitely has the potential to destroy you upon crossing her the wrong way.
Likes: Sheer bloody chaos, Playing Rough, Paragons
Dislikes: Vulnerability, isolation
1. Bayonetta – Bayonetta: This one should be easy enough and admittedly, the final three on my list have been what could easily be described as ‘bad girls’. I’m not really sure what it is about them and lacking the space necessary to attempt an explanation, I’ll digress and simply say we all have our weaknesses I suppose. Bayonetta is without a doubt going to be a challenge should you wish to take a crack at her. Not only is she heavily armed, but she is imbued with enough magic to give Gandalf the White pause before he has a heart attack. She doesn’t take herself especially serious, but has the confidence to hack and slash her way through legions of angles. Suffice to say, this is the girl you want to take out and bring home to mom. The best part of all of it is the fact that she is basically enclosed by her hair, so you know at least one way to get her out of her clothes is to upset her enough to use her magical abilities or con her into getting a really excessive haircut. Finally, I don’t know about the rest of you, but the glasses are just the cherry on top of a very delicious Sundae.
Conclusion: So, while there is always going to be a debate about who best to hold on Valentine’s Day, I’m sure we can all agree that at the very least, we can all go back to holding our controllers and hanging out on Xbox Live come the day after. Here’s to a Happy Valentine’s Day or just a regular old Sunday from those of us here at Planet Xbox 360.
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